I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
