between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
