If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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