Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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