I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
