just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
