1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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