3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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