Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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