I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
