also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
