so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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