There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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