If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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