Just took my morning after pill in the library
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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