you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
