State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
