I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
