i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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