OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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