Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
