I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
