I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
