I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
