There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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