she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize