I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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