Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
