Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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