Apparently you make a good broom.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
