I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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