Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
