Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
