we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
