I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think I sprained my soul last night
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
