Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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