Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize