I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
