Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
