Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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