It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
