my phone needs a breathalizer
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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