You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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