I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
