hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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