new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
