i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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