My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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