I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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