she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My ass is underappreciated
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
