Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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