You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
