I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
