I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Randomize
