both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
