I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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