1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize