my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She bit a glass in half.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize