Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
