You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
