your parents love me but you hate me
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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